you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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