No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We are all done wearing pants today
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
