I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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