Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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