I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
