I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
