Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
