so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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