I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
