I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
