I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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