My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
