I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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