He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
