I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I got inside last night via doggy door
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
