So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
