Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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