someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So many bounce houses so little time
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
