Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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