Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
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I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
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Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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