i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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