I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i came on her dog
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
