i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
