Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
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At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
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Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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