i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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