we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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