Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
