Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
