She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
