Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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