I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
