my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
