sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
