Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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