like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
