Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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