I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
