I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
