There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...