got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
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What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?