3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i've created a new STD.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Of course I have a pirate flag
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?