My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
