The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
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we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
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Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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