I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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