my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
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What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
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Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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