Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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