omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
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we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
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Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.