we have pet lesbian snakes
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
