I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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