I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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