My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
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im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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