just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
