the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
