Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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