Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
