I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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