based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
