It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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